It was getting dark outside, and I was sitting alone at home. I wanted to be with the team, but I needed a moment for myself. I was fighting lies.
It was my first time helping lead the European TREK program—so many questions, so many responsibilities, so much to do, so many gifts required. It was exciting to meet the eight courageous young people who wanted to serve God on mission, and I barely noticed how the time flew by as I was talking with parents, making the girls feel at home, answering 1000 questions, hearing their stories, seeing the pain beneath the surface. I was all in.
Then the lies began.
A random comment by someone about my “excitable” personality hit home. Tossing and turning in my bed that night, a chorus of voices began singing in my head to the tune of, Who do you think you are? What makes you think you can do this job?
I overcompensated by letting my empathy, organizational skills and eagerness to help go into overdrive. Over the next week, I fell alternately into irrational busyness and self-protective anxiety. By midweek, I was exhausted—emotionally, physically and spiritually. That night I sat at the kitchen table and laid out before God every doubt and fear. Gently but firmly, he showed me the lies I was believing and, through his Word, confronted me with truth: You are not alone. I have gifted you. You don’t have to be perfect. I felt sobered, but stronger.
Preparing for the mission trip to Albania, I became tired and burdened again. One day, I approached team members and my co-leaders. One person, noticing my presence, asked, “Don’t you have anywhere else to be?” It was said as a joke, but I couldn’t laugh. The chorus threatened to begin again, and I rushed to my room to wrestle the lies with God’s truth: Johanna, I called you to this ministry. You belong here. The chorus subsided, and I went back to work.
The topic of lies came up many times during training, and as I used this experience to expose lies and speak liberating truth over the participants, I saw wounds heal, and courageous steps of obedience taken. It was hard for them—just as it is hard for me—but, in the end, God’s truth wins.
And how is it with you?
