It’s been six months now since we arrived in Peru, and I struggle to accept the changes in myself. I’m not the same independent, self-sufficient woman I once was. Before, I prided myself in being determined, goal-oriented, motivated, and brave. I thought I could overcome almost anything.
These last two months, the person staring me back in the mirror is fearful, dependent, and unsure of herself. How could that be? What happened to me?
Let me tell you what happened. In moving to a new country, I willingly surrendered my house, my belongings, my car, my career, my church, my community, my family, my friends, my support system, and also my tortillas, my salsa, my cheese, my sour cream, and my carne asada! And I wanted to move on as if none of that mattered, as if all those changes were a normal, everyday occurrence. They aren’t.
Adapting to that much change is hard. Moving can be a significant life event, on par with other large life events such as having children, getting married, or meeting your partner. Even if you are excited about living in a new location, it can wear on you in ways that can lead to mental health challenges. Most people understand this and are sympathetic about it, except me. I was not patient with myself. I wanted to move from eating tortillas daily to eating Peruvian rice without missing a beat! My pride and ego were telling me that I could do this. I told myself, “This is nothing compared to what others face. Come on, put on your happy, brave, determined face. Move on!”
The mask might have worked with others, but I could not fool myself, or God. He knows my heart and my innermost thoughts.
Recently, things have started to change. I don’t know exactly what changed—things didn’t get easier—the weather didn’t get any cooler, the flies didn’t disappear, the mosquitos actually increased. We’ve had sixteen scorpions inside our house (and counting). Yet something changed in me. I think I finally accepted that I am not only in a different country, in a different environment, but I am also a different person. And I am starting to be at peace with that. I am learning to be patient with the new me.
